AHS 1984

This show was super fun. Loved it!

He's A Man-i-ac!

Rue Morgue TV's latest episode of The Rewind Zone reminded me I still had a copy of James Bryan's 1981 slasher Don't Go In The Woods sitting un-watched in my stacks. Frankly, a summertime slasher sounds like a wonderful contrast to the subzero bullshit that has descended upon Ontario in the last week or so.

A maniac kills people who venture into the wood-- Do I even need to synopsize this?

Not even ten minutes in, I could tell Don't Go In The Woods was a real turkey. However, there's something intriguing in that it's not immediately apparent whether it's meant to be a horror movie or a parody of a horror movie. It is decidedly the latter – especially when you factor in all the comical sound cues – which I guess makes it ahead of its time. It would have just been a (more) terrible Friday the 13th ripoff if it was played completely straight.

Don't Go In The Woods was a movie of thirds. Opening the movie was a series of vignettes that saw random hikers and campers being murdered, mostly offscreen, by an unknown force mixed in with the travels of our four comically dubbed leads. My favourite part was when the group leader told his crew to “watch out for rabies”, as if it's like poison ivy or something. I also have to mention that this may be the only movie where someone tells a campfire tale and the camera never goes to the storyteller. Imdb reports that they lost that footage so they had to use the reaction shot. Ohhh, that's so Don't Go In The Woods!

Tom Drury as The Maniac

The best chunk of this movie was the middle, where it got much gorier and the killer was actually revealed. Known only as The Maniac, this wild bear dude looked like a crazed Grizzly Adams and sounded like a feral Yoda. Most of the best set pieces were in this section, including the couple – they literally had three seconds of screen time before they were attacked – that were killed inside their sleeping bags. Bryan may have ripped off Friday 1, but he beat Part 7 to the whole sleeping bag bludgeoning thing at least. I also have to mention that the scariest thing in Don't Go In The Woods to me was this woman's nose...

Then sadly, the third act slammed on the brakes. I imagine it was in the interest of padding things out, but it largely consisted of people, namely the sheriff, just searching the forest. Although, I have to admit that this movie was brutally committed to its body count (16!). Even an hour in, they were still introducing fodder, like that poor wheelchair guy. Damn, 1981 was not a good cinematic year for the disabled.

I'm willing to give Don't Go In The Woods its good-bad street cred, but when it comes to legit backwoods slashers I'm gonna lean more toward Rituals or Just Before Dawn. That end song was pretty ace though.

The Doctor Is In!

Danny (Tony) says go see Doctor Sleep this weekend. It rules.

"Show Me Your Dick!"

This week's VHS is one of my acquisitions from last month's Up All Night Fest at the Mayfair, Luis Llosa's 1988 flick Crime Zone.

Bone (Peter Nelson) & Helen (Sherilyn Fenn), two inhabitants of a dystopian society aim to escape with the help of a mysterious man named Jason (David Carradine).

From the coverbox I inferred that Crime Zone might be some sort of Road Warrior rip-off, but sadly that was not the case. Instead, this movie was more of a Bonnie & Clyde set against the backdrop of a bargain basement Blade Runner. You know what I mean, there were a ton of these in the late eighties/early nineties that all had a similar look, but couldn't spring for the flying cars or any other expensive visual effects. I do give them some points for world building though, as that wonky version of pool was amusing and they beat Lawnmower Man to the VR punch by four years.

Then again, those kids could just be high.

Seeing Fenn as a blonde was rather striking. Man, compared to The Wraith this must have felt like a blockbuster. This was during her “naughty” period so Crime Wave does feature an obligatory nude scene. I have to admit though, if they'd found a better lead, or at least someone Fenn had even a bit of chemistry with, it might have made all the difference. Because I gotta tell you, the last half hour of this movie felt like a thousand years long. Once the novelty of Carradine's couple-of-days-on-set performance lost its luster, I was wishing for the end credits.

I will say that the middle of Crime Zone did keep me entertained, either from the exchanges between Helen and Bone that were frankly hard to keep a straight face through, or other bits like the lady cop who uttered that aforementioned line above and that the government's preferred method of execution was to shoot a death ray at your genitals.

Come to think of it, there's a lot of weird crotch stuff in this movie. Probably best not to dwell on it. At the end of the day, I can forgive Llosa for this less than stellar effort because he is the gentle soul that would eventually give us Anaconda. Bless.

Short of the Week #78: To Dust

Here's more nightmare fuel from UK stop-motion animator Robert Morgan.

These were fragments used in Shawn Snyder's film debut To Dust starring Matthew Broderick. I love that in addition to his own short films, Morgan's gooey fingerprints are now being left throughout the cinema world.

Hope Ya Like Puns!

This week it's Jag Mundhra's Halloween horror Hack-O-Lantern from 1988.

Three siblings discover their grandfather is the leader of a satanic cult, or close enough... the particulars are already fading from my memory.

I haven't been having much luck with the holiday-themed horrors this year, as this was pretty much an archaic, meandering mess. You see, there's this really lame Satanic cult that likes to sacrifice people on Halloween. How do I know they're lame? Well, Exhibit A.

The grandfather (played by Hy Pyke) is the ring leader of this cult and he's pretty grating to watch. It's like he's channelling a really shitty version of Emperor Palpatine at times. Grandpa has three grandchildren - one of which he's trying indoctrinate and the other two he doesn't really seem to give two shits about - and the movie can't seem to figure out which one is the protagonist.

Things really get crazy when the Halloween party gets started. It's your average small town event that for some reason has a strip show - featuring a lady who I'm pretty sure, based on her distinct tan lines, was the same one who got a pentagram branded onto her ass a few scenes earlier - and a snake dancer for entertainment. I'd let that pass, but the dude who breaks out into a stand-up routine outside... not so much. I think the only thing more painful were the extras fake laughing in his vicinity.

Where is Candyman when you need him?

Eventually in this really long eighty-seven minute movie, we get a few kills and then finally an anti-climactic pitchfork/sword fight that lasts an awkward twenty seconds. You know, I remember seeing this cover box back in the day and passing it over. Now, I wish that demon woman was the protagonist and not just a weird chick who shows in a random music video dream sequence.

Yep, more of that would have suited me just fine.

Happy Halloween!!!

Stay safe kiddies!