The Dark of the Forest.

Hello all. Happy Friday the 13th! In celebration I pulled the most relevant and unwatched camping slasher out of the pile, Don Jones' 1982 joint The Forest.

Two couples inadvisably go camping in the woods, not aware of the nefarious fate that awaits them.

Through the opening credits, I was serenaded with smooth trumpeting jazz as I watched a couple march through the serena Californian woods. I assumed these two were our protagonists, but nope, they got butchered within minutes. Okay, maniac in woods got it. I then wondered if this was going to be Don't Go In the Woods where people just get set up and knocked down like bowling pins, but no, we then shifted to another horror.

Traffic. The real horror of this movie. I've been attending TIFF all week and that means battling Toronto gridlock. Sometimes I think I'd rather eat a killer's knife than face that. It is at least quicker. But I digress. Two couples, who I wondered were actually married by the way they talked to each other, try to one-up each other about who is the better camper. Psst, the answer is none of them.

They all decide to go out into woods, but not together – because Battle of the Sexes – and it all goes tits up from there. Sharon (Tomi Barrett) & Teddi (Ann Wilkinson) leave, secretly hoping the men, Steve (Dean Russell aka wish JK Simmons) and Charlie (John Batis) are right behind them, which they are – until car trouble puts them a good half-day behind. After trekking several hours, our ladies set up camp and during the night things take a bizarre turn.

Yes, The Forest is about a crazy dude turned cannibal living in the woods, but it also about the ghosts of his dead family roaming around, as well. See, he murdered this wife for cheating – something makes me think Jones has issues with women and relationships – and ran off into the woods with his kids. Said kids then offed themselves for a number of reasons, the least of which could have been the trauma of being locked in the bedroom closet while their mom boinked the water heater, err refridgerator repairman.

The kid on the right is named Corky Pigeon, I shit you not.

I have to admit that even though this movie is fifty-percent hiking footage, I was slightly invested in whether these city slickers were going to be able to catch up with their wives in time. And surprisingly, even as chauvanistic as most of this movie is, it's Sharon who ends up saving the day.

So, even though it doesn't have the crap-tastic flair of Don't Go In The Woods or the cinematography or set peices of Just Before Dawn or the soon-to-be star power of The Final Terror, however it is still a mildly entertaning oddity with a theme song that slaps. Dude apparently put up his house to make this movie so the least I can do is give it a whirl. Bizarrely, at some point the renter of this tape - from Jumbo Video says the tag - recorded a 1995 episode of The Rush Limbaugh Show on the end. Oh, the horror...

Aug 28th Horror Trivia Screening Guide

To all those who came here from the event or Storm Crow's FB page, welcome! I am Jay, one half of the horror trivia quizmasters and this is my humble blog. Here's a selected list of titles mentioned at the last event. Click on the titles to be redirected to their Imdb listing. Horror Trivia Night happens at Storm Crow Manor in Toronto. If you're in the area, come on down! Register here.

Cuckoo (2024)

Humane (2024)

Uncle Sam (1996)

Midsommar (2019)

The Brood (1979)

Under Paris (2024)

Fall (2022)

Becky (2020)

Under The Skin (2013)

Creepers (1985)

Demons (1985)

Repo: The Genetic Opera (2008)

Studio 666 (2022)

The Lure (2015)

Duel (1971)

Trilogy of Terror (1975)

Ghostwatch (1992)

Salem's Lot (1979)

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)

Threads (1984)

Someone's Watching Me! (1978)

Storm Crow August Trivia, Screenshot Round

What the F*ck Is a Nutria?

With this week's tape off the pile, we continue our parade of covers featuring people (or beings in this case) looking through windows. I do remember 1985's Terror in the Swamp from my video store, but it seemed too bargain basement at the time to give it a go. Well, better late than never!

An experiment gone wrong escapes in a Louisiana swamp and starts preying on the nearby townsfolk.

When the cast list came up for Terror in the Swamp (or T.I.T.S. for short), I wondered if this was thinly disguised porno. I mean with names like Chuck Bush, Chuck Long and Claudia Wood, what the hell am I supposed to think? But no sir, this is just your average Bigfoot-but-not-a-Bigfoot-in-the-Bayou movie.

I have to admit I was a little confused because the word Nutria kept being said with drinking game-like frequency that I had to look it up. I'm from the Great White North, we have beavers here. I guess the critter in question was the swamp rat I had the displeasure of seeing annihilated by a hunter's shotgun at the hop. He got his though, don't you worry.

So, as far as I can hack it, this fur company paid some scientist to breed bigger nutrias in order to make more fur, but it mutated in to a... NUTRAMAN! This was apparently the original title, but the filmmakers were like, “what the fuck is that? People are gonna think it's about a soft drink, or maybe that Hazelnut spread that looks like diarrhea.” And rightly so. I'm just trying to wrap my head about these fur conglomerates. Aren't there like a million other animals with more lucrative pelts than mid-sized rodents?

On the surface, this looks and feels like a Z-grade dollar-fifty production, but as it went along, I noticed a few things. First, the cast balloons as it goes on. A single ranger turns into an entire police force AND a team of Green Berets. A guy who could be Hillbilly Jim wrangles his crew, as well as dozens of gun-toting poachers wanting to collect the bounty for Nutraman's head. That's not even counting the scientists, who delightfully get offed by Crazy Sally (who I like to think is related to Mama from Friday Part 5). 

Claudia Wood as Crazy Sally in Terror in the Swamp.

Second, in the third act, there are all kinds of boats, planes and helicopters flying everywhere. Like, those aren't cheap, right? Plus, the characters are often knee deep in marsh, which means the CREW are also knee deep in marsh. I would imagine that slowed things down. Then, they even pull out a bazooka to potentially take down our beast Grizzly style!

Terror In The Swamp is objectively shit, making Frogs look like Jurassic Park, but I have to commend the ambition of the last third, even it doesn't really ever give you a good look at its monster. I just hope Frank (Billy Holliday) was able to take his lady to the Saints game on Sunday.

50 Years.

Dud-ly Intruder, Amirite?

The next VHS in the pile was a tape I recently acquired from the basement of the Vinegar Syndrome store. It's a movie I hadn't seen, or even thought of for decades, but when I saw that cover I instantly recognized it. I'm speaking of John McCauley's 1985 slasher The Deadly Intruder.

A mental patient escapes custody and makes his way to Midvale, only to cross paths with Jessie (Molly Cheek). Who will survive, and will I still be awake?

Just as I'm now looking at it, I realize how similar this cover is to the 1989 flick Hider in The House, only that art director had the sense to turn a light on. But I digress. The Deadly Intruder begins promisingly with a score that doesn't even pretend it wants be John Carpenter, as two orderlies with no weapons or backup chase after a psychopath. Surprise! They both get offed and our maniac escapes into the night.

Perhaps it was because the Carpenter seed was already planted in my head, but the first fifteen-or-so minutes of this movie just felt like a Halloween re-enactment. Like, someone really dug that hot tub scene in Halloween II because it turns up here verbatim, subbing in a literal kitchen sink.

Frankly, the middle is just a haze of dad jokes, dog farts, extended scenes of food preparation and drifters skulking while Cheek's body double takes a bath. Oh, and the occasional kill. It really is quite amusing how unsophisticated this movie is. You know how every slasher has that scene where someone is sneaking up on someone else and it's framed like it's the killer, but it just turns out to be a friend pranking. Well, that doesn't happen here. It's just the killer killing.

Did you know that there is only one newspaper in BC, and it's called The Canadian Star? I admit I got a belly laugh out of that one. Danny Bonaduce looks like he's the one having the most fun here, at least until he gets his head rammed into a TV of course.

While watching the killer in the last act - the actual killer and not the bright red herring the movie waves in our face for an hour - I was reminded of Josh Hartnett's recent performance in Trap. There is an implausibility, an inherent disregard for logic and the laws of space and time, to this pair of criminals that after a while you just have to embrace it as comical if you're going to get any enjoyment out of it at all.

Anyhoo, The Deadly Intruder is not a winner and decidedly just filler for video store shelves. The Canadian Star rates this one, take off eh!

Fantasia 2024

Well, I'm a week removed from my Fantasia trip and suitably recovered enough to talk about it. Now a veteran of over fifteen years at this fest, it's become just as much about visiting restaurants and cocktail bars in Montreal as it is about watching movies...

(from top left) The Mayahuel at Caifan MTL, the pan-seared hanger steak at Joe Beef & the counter at Neo Tokyo.

...but here is a sampling of my festival faves.

#3: Retro screening of The Carpenter (1988)

Perhaps surprisingly, I had never seen this. It was a delight to watch for many reasons, including viewing it with a hometown audience (the movie was shot in Montreal) and a rare performance by Wings Hauser where he is decidedly charming. A gleefully absurd romp.

#2 Kryptic (2024)

A somber and atmospheric debut piece by Canadian Kourtney Roy. This movie has a lot going for it in a committed performance from Chloe Pirrie, the perfectly utilized scenery of British Columbia and a meandering, yet engaging, mystery.

#1 Frankie Freako (2024)

Director Steve Kostanski is back at it again. Utilizing a pair of his Astron 6 cohorts (Conor Sweeney & Adam Brooks), a gaggle of misfit puppets and just a couple of locations, he has paid homage to one of his favourite movies, Ghoulies III. Edibles are optional, but everyone in attendance had a blast with this one.