Joan of the Ants!

The next tape on the pile was the last of my Shock Stock acquisitions, and one I have been meaning to dig into for a long time. It was almost the “E” in my Alphabet Slop back in 2022, but I couldn't find it then so I went with a re-watch of The Entity. The film I am now speaking of is the 1977 animals attack entry Empire of the Ants.

Visitors to an island are attacked by giant ants mutated from a toxic waste dump.

All I can hear when I look at that coverbox above is that classic movie trailer voice saying SEE! Joan Collins terrorized by giant ants! They really knew what they were selling here, didn't they? But I guess nothing has really changed. Our movie begins with a discount David Attenborough voiceover explaining how smart and sophisticated ants are, and God forbid they turn on us. CUT to a bunch of guys in suits (apparently left over from another AIP picture Futureworld) dumping toxic waste barrels into the ocean. What could go wrong?

We are then introduced to our cast of characters who all travel to a Floridian island to partake in a free day out while Joan Collins tries to con them into a time share for a soon-to-be built resort called Dreamland Shores. Among them are - wait hold up, is that Pamela Susan Shoop?! What a delightful surprise! My seven-year-old self - whose first real experience with cinematic boobies was courtesy of the hot tub scene in Halloween II - was definitely winking at me from the past.

Pamela Susan Shoop in Empire of the Ants

Anyway, it's not long before the mutated ants are crawling all over our unfortunate cast. Even though I guess it is inferred on the cover, I wondered whether I was going to get giant ants or just smart ants like in Phase IV. Okay, giant ants it is! And you know, the compositing and miniatures aren't terrible in this movie, or at least the shots where there aren't people in the frame. And the Ant-Vision was a gas.

I do have to wonder why Joan Collins was in this, as she was a pretty big star at this point. Not Dynasty mega-star yet, but certainly someone I would have thought could choose their roles. Those swamp scenes looked particularly unpleasant and I can't imagine what was going through her head while filming them. What a presence though!

Those cheekbones could cut glass!

The story is expectedly simple and moves along like most titles of its ilk, but I was surprised when our survivors made it out of the swamp and into (relative) civilization with a half-hour to go. Not being familiar with the H.G. Wells story (which apparently this doesn't follow anyway) I had no idea there was a whole hive mind control subplot. And to my surprise, Joan herself wound up being ant food. I mean true, she was a swindler and what I suppose would qualify as the villain of this story, but the punishment did not fit the crime.

From the mish-mash of disposable characters to the parade of old-timey effects, Empire of the Ants was a fun yarn all around. And for once, the coverbox delivered on its promise! I did see Joan scream and look still look beautiful...