In addition to the usual reviews and comments you would find on a horror movie blog, this is also a document of the wonderfully vast horror movie section of the video store I worked at in my youth.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

We're Here To Help.

My good friend Serena Whitney over at posted a great article earlier this week about avoiding terrible straight-to-DVD (or STD’s as she calls them :P) horror titles. I too, have fallen victim to many a video atrocity and I thought I might share a few of them here. Some of these are several years old and are probably lying in a landfill somewhere by now, but just in case… Be warned of these painful duds.

A Crack In The Floor – Serena is right, this title is bottom of the barrel. I don’t know what’s worse, Tracy Scoggins’ opening rape scene, Gary Busey’s cameo speech about fucking chickens or AC Slater being cast as the movie’s hero.

The Item – Don’t let the Toronto Film Festival entry marker fool you, this is one of the most incoherently fucked up messes ever – and not in a good way. Leave this item at the checkout counter.

S.I.C.K. – In a movie, whenever one of the characters utters a line like “that’s some fucked up shit right there”; you know you are in for a stinker. That, and the cast spends HALF the running time aimlessly wandering around a forest. By the way, the acronym stands for Serial Insane Clown Killer. I knew this going in, so I guess I have to take the blame on this one.

Green River Killer – or ANYTHING by Ulli Lommel for that matter. This guy makes Uwe Boll look like Orson Welles. At least Dr. Boll’s movies are entertainingly bad. Lommel is the go-to guy when it comes to making STD serial killer flicks it seems, having vomited forth other titles like BTK and Zodiac Killer. Green River Killer is the only one I’ve had the misfortune of sitting through though.

Death Tunnel – This epileptically edited effort is a total train wreck. Not even the great location and the bevy of beauties can save it. This is one of those titles that takes a plausibly good idea and runs it into the ground by borrowing everything else from better films.

However, on the other side of things, there are – believe it or not – good STD’s out there. Here are a few that I found worth my time.

Abominable – This is an under seen gem in my opinion. It is basically Rear Window meets Bigfoot and it works really well. Though, when you’re using classic Hitchcock formula it is pretty hard to fuck up (even last year’s PG-13 Disturbia was surprisingly solid). Plus, Abominable is the triumphant return of Matt McCoy.

Open Water 2: Adrift – Originally just titled Adrift, Lion’s Gate slapped the OW2 on there for product recognition. It was not needed, as this has nothing to do with the 2003 film. I think Adrift stands on its own merits and is a worthwhile watch.

Brutal – Unfortunately marketed to look like a Hostel clone, this little ditty is actually about a serial killer in a small town. I’m not going to sugarcoat it; it’s a tad rough around the edges at times, but hey! Where else are you going to see Michael Berryman play... a good guy?!

So, that’s my contribution to the cause. Hopefully, Serena and I have made the STD minefield of your local video store a little less treacherous for all you horrorphiles out there.


Corey said...

i actually really liked the item... but it's been so long, i can't really remember enough to properly defend it.

i'm oddly compelled to see a crack in the floor and death tunnel now... and i've been meaning to see brutal.

completely agree on open water 2 and abominable. the latter has an odd mixture of elements, but both are solid films.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jay,

Thanks for the shout out babes!! Too bad you didn't write this article today, because I'm pretty sure you would have added 'THE COOK' to the list of bad STD movies! :P

What a pile that crap that was!!

"Speaking of DICK....." LOL

Jay Clarke said...

You know, I had a good time watching The Cook though. I should add an addendum that if you are watching a bad movie with a group of likeminded individuals, it can be fun.