The Lost Reviews: Cujo

The Lost Reviews are a group of articles I wrote for the site DVDWolf that, for whatever reason, were never posted. This review for the Cujo: 25th Anniversary DVD was originally written in September 2007.

Cujo is the film adaptation of Stephen King’s classic novel about a rabid St. Bernard run amok in a small Maine town.

It had probably been at least ten years since I’d seen Cujo and am pleased to say that it still holds up beautifully. Unlike some previous films of King’s, Cujo utilizes the subplots of the book well and they don’t feel abbreviated or glazed over. The three leads give great performances, especially then five-year old Danny Pintauro. He gives a beyond-his-age portrayal that rivals that of Miko Hughes in Pet Semetary. What I am old enough to fully appreciate now is the brilliance of the dog effects. I had to look into how they performed some of these stunts because they all looked so real. I figured there MUST be some sort of puppetry or animatronics somewhere, but I couldn’t pick them out. It turns out they used a mix of ten dogs (provided by renowned animal trainer Carl Miller), a man in a dog suit and a mechanical dog’s head. I think when it comes down to it, what makes Cujo such a great movie is the reality of it. When it comes to King stories, we have to suspend our disbelief to get behind possessed cars, kinesis (tele and pyro) or haunted hotels, but being attacked by a rabid dog could happen to any of us, at any time. Cujo is an eighties horror film well worth revisiting and one of the best King adaptations out there.

The DVD sports a worthwhile commentary with director Lewis Teague. He covers many aspects of the film, including the many types of fear, his collaboration with Dutch filmmaker Jan de Bont and how his earlier creature feature Alligator prepared him for this project. There is also a three-part documentary called Dog Days. It is mostly Teague reiterating all the stuff he spoke about in the commentary, but there is some really cool stuff about the dogs. Also, there is some interesting talk about how Charles Bernstein scored the film and how much of an influence Jaws was – thematically and musically – on the movie.

The Lost Reviews: Dark Wolf

The Lost Reviews are a group of articles I wrote for the site DVDWolf that, for whatever reason, were never posted. This review for Dark Wolf was originally written sometime in 2003.

Dark Wolf is a testament to how bad CGI can destroy a movie. I watched Cube 2: Hypercube right before this and thought some of the CGI in that was a little shoddy, but compared to Dark Wolf, Cube 2 looks like The Matrix. Seriously, the transformation scenes look worse than the stuff on early episodes of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. The only reason I really picked this one up at the video store was because of Samaire Armstrong. She caught my eye in a ninth season X-Files episode, so I remembered the name. She has a Rachel Leigh Cook-like quality to her. Kane Hodder also makes an appearance as the human form of the Dark Wolf. It’s been so long since I’ve seen Hodder, I almost didn’t recognize him. There was just enough T&A and gratuitous gore to keep me from reaching for the eject button, but this movie isn’t fit for man or beast.

Even though there are several special features on this DVD, I had to pack it in halfway through the making-of featurette. The enthusiasm of the crew made it sound like they had reinvented the wheel. Did you SEE the finished product?? Loyal readers, you’d be better served by watching American Werewolf In London or Ginger Snaps again rather than wasting your time on this.

The Lost Reviews: Day Watch

The Lost Reviews are a group of articles I wrote for the site DVDWolf that, for whatever reason, were never posted. This review for Day Watch was originally written in June 2007.

In the second part of the trilogy, Anton (Konstantin Khabensky) tries to get back his son Yegor (Dima Martynov), who now resides with the Dark Others. To add to Anton’s problems, Zavulon (Viktor Verzhbitsky) continues his plans to break the truce between light and dark, by framing Anton for murder.

“That made so little sense to me”, said the guy sitting next to me when the lights came up. I could see where he was coming from. Without the foundation of the previous film Night Watch, it must be maddening to try and keep everything straight. A five-minute recap for the previous two-hour film at the start of Day Watch just isn’t going to cut it with the casual viewer. Since Night Watch didn’t even get so much as a look by domestic distributors, most people are unfortunately going to be in this position. It’s a really weird move by Fox Searchlight that still leaves me scratching my head. All right, now that is out of the way, let’s assume that you are up to speed on what is going on. Is Day Watch any good? I think it is safe to say that if you liked Night Watch, you’ll like Day Watch. If you are already onboard with Bekmambetov’s eclectic style and gimmicky effects, this should be an engaging ride for you. There are more than a few points where Day Watch seems to be coming off the rails, but I find the story just so damn interesting, that it somehow keeps me in it. Whoever designed the subtitles managed to up the quirkiness of the series by making them interactive. The subtitles actually react to the stuff happening onscreen, such as being slashed by swords and jostled by loud noises. Yes, it’s another gimmick, but it truly showcases the creativity at the heart of this trilogy. The story is dense and the characters number in the dozens, most of whom were in the previous installment. There is less action in this one though, so some may come away disappointed. Amid all the craziness, that includes tango dancing, gravity defying vehicles and runaway Ferris wheels, there is a good mythology built up here. I will definitely check out the upcoming third and final part, Dusk Watch. For anyone else, I can’t stress enough that you check out Night Watch first and then decide whether you’d like to continue further into Bekmambetov’s chaotic world.

The Lost Reviews: Dead & Breakfast

The Lost Reviews are a group of articles I wrote for the site DVDWolf that, for whatever reason, were never posted. This review for Dead & Breakfast was originally written in March 2006.

Note to Marketing. If you are going to compare yourself to the bloodiest of gore flicks like Peter Jackson’s Braindead, you better damn well deliver. It’s a shame really. Ever Since Sam Raimi practically invented the splatstick genre with Evil Dead 2, the Americans have been rapidly falling behind their overseas brethren. Dead & Breakfast starts out fine with an interesting credit sequence and a serviceable cast that includes Gina Phillips, Ever Carradine and the ubiquitous Jeremy Sisto. The gags and one-liners start early, hitting and missing at a frenetic pace and a wasted cameo by David Carradine doesn’t help matters. The rockabilly segue device that is amusing at first becomes as awkward and out of place towards the end as it was in There’s Something About Mary. Michael Mosher does a nice job with the splatter, but even the Grand Guignol chainsaw finale is nothing to write home about. To his credit though, for every bit that is nabbed from the movies that inspired him, director Matt Leutwyler comes up with some fresh ideas himself. The Kuman Thong box with its soul trapping and possession abilities opens up whole new avenues for a sub-genre that rarely sees innovation. So basically you have a movie that is fun in parts, silly in others and ultimately doesn’t quite live up to the major hype it manufactured for itself. Though Dead & Breakfast has grown on me with subsequent viewings, I still say that Jake West’s Evil Aliens and the much maligned Undead by the Spierig Brothers are better offerings.

The Lost Reviews: Hatchet

The Lost Reviews are a group of articles I wrote for the site DVDWolf that, for whatever reason, were never posted. This review for Hatchet was originally written in July 2007.

When passengers on a New Orleans tour boat get marooned in a swamp, they soon learn that the local urban legend of Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder) is, in fact, real. It is not long before the hulking maniac starts picking them off, one by one.

Hatchet is a gory and fun little flick. Director Adam Green doesn’t try to reinvent the wheel; he just gives us an entertaining slasher with an old school feel. The highlight of Hatchet is the gore work, provided by old hand John Carl Buechler. He gets really creative and messy with it, carrying on what he and Kane started when they worked on Friday the 13th Part 7. For a gorehound like myself, it’s a joy to watch. I recommend you get out to the theatre to see this if you can because it is definitely a movie best seen with a crowd of like-minded individuals. The one-liners come fast and furious and I found myself laughing quite a lot; one especially had me chuckling for days afterwards. In addition to the aforementioned Hodder, there are some other great cameos by genre veterans Robert Englund and Tony Todd. Also, if you’ve ever wondered what Mercedes McNab (Harmony of Buffy & Angel fame) looks like with her shirt off, wonder no more and rejoice! There were several other familiar faces in the cast who were the kind of I-know-I’ve-seen-you-before people for which Imdb was invented. I’ve been hearing comparisons between Hatchet and Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon. I wouldn’t say Hatchet is anywhere near the calibre of Scott Glosserman’s surprise hit last year, but it’s definitely a good time. Green has a clear love of the genre and has said he has no interest in the current remake/sequel trend of Hollywood horror, so I’m really looking forward to seeing where he goes from here.

The Lost Reviews: Haunted Boat

The Lost Reviews are a group of articles I wrote for the site DVDWolf that, for whatever reason, were never posted. This review for Haunted Boat was originally written in July 2007.

When a young man inherits a boat from his late father, he and five friends go out for a weekend trip on the ocean. When tragedy strikes, their worst fears start to manifest themselves in physical form.

Right off, the first act of Haunted Boat is atrocious. My DVD player actually rebelled against it and froze up. I should have quit while I was ahead. To give you an idea of what I was dealing with, let me give you a sample of one of the romantic interludes. A man and a woman are standing at the head of the boat. There is a long pause as they stare out over the water. Then the guy looks over at the girl and says, “Yep, it just doesn’t get any better than this.” Are you kidding me?? When the characters started playing Strip Spin the Bottle, I thought things might be looking up, but it wasn’t meant to be. This is when Haunted Boat starts going in all these crazy directions for no other reason than to fill time. Seriously, with all the musical montages and useless asides, this movie could have been half as long. The best is when they decide to search the boat and it takes five minutes of screen time even though the vessel is no bigger than my living room. Then, they decide to tell each other scary stories. The sad thing is, these bits are better than the actual movie. I have to give a special shout out to Mathew Fox (NOT Jack from Lost, though I’m sure you figured that) for his stirring performance as Simon. His appearance signals Haunted Boat really going off the rails. With his wide eyed, yet deadpan delivery no matter what the line, was I really supposed to watch this scene with a straight face? I’m fully aware of what Simon was supposed to represent, but oh my Lord! From there, the third act is just a downward spiral into incoherence. This movie is totally banal and I’m not blaming the low production value either. It just wasn’t engaging. If I was afraid of floating heads and sharks that look like CG carp, then maybe you might have gotten something out of me. I’m sorry, but anyway you look at it, Haunted Boat is just a fuckin’ wreck.

The Lost Reviews: Joshua

The Lost Reviews are a group of articles I wrote for the site DVDWolf that, for whatever reason, were never posted. This review for Joshua was originally written in July 2007.

Life seems to be going well for the Cairns. Brad (Sam Rockwell) and Abby (Vera Farmiga) are well off, have a gifted son Joshua and a new baby daughter. When things start to go wrong, the parents start to suspect that their nine-year-old is not as perfect as he appears.

Joshua seems like fairly standard fare, but cleverly doesn’t show you all its cards up front. It’s a slow one (in fact, during the first act I thought this movie might just be ninety-minutes of piano playing and babies crying), but doesn’t bore. Rockwell and Farmiga are solid and the anchors of the piece, especially the latter because there are parts in the film where I wasn’t sure who was more unstable – the boy or his mother. As for newcomer Jacob Kogan as the title character, I can’t really pass judgment because I’ve never really been a good judge of child actors. Unless we’re talking extremes like the stinkage of Jake Lloyd or polar opposite Dakota Fanning, I tend to just see them as part of the scenery or a device to move the story forward. All I can say is that Kogan accomplishes that. Something I was aware of though, was the fine score orchestrated by Nico Muhly. It had a very old school feel that reminded me of the stuff that Kubrick used to employ. Joshua does tend to skirt the comical – whether intentionally or not – in the third act, but manages to hold it together. Apart from being a PSA for birth control, Joshua is a subtle thriller that may find some success on DVD.